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You can be social and go to events but that only helps you meet people, it doesn’t mean you’ll make friends. I’ve recently moved, first year I was completely alone because I thought that eventually someone would come up to me. Most people are like that. They’re passive and expect friendship to pop out of thin air. I put together a basic strategy and now I have 2 friends I hang out with and a few acquaintances. Here it is, hope it helps.
- Most people are just as socially isolated as you. Lots of people are the passive partner who won’t initiate but they still want to make more friends. Covid-19 fucked everything up so this is actually the best time to make new friends if you can approach people.
- Pick someone you’re interested in and introduce yourself. It can be anyone and for any reason. My best friend of 10 years only became my friend because I sat next to him in 1st grade lunch. You don’t need a reason to talk to someone. Talk to people you aren’t interested just to get the feel for conversation, older folks work great as they’re low risk and just happy to have a conversation.
- Talk to this person every time you see them. Basically, pretend you’re already friends with this person. Ask them about their weekend, what their job is, and how they got into whatever it is you’re at. Start with 2-3 minute small talk and gradually make your way to longer conversation.
- Repeat these interactions for about a month.
- If you like them, say you’re going to see a movie or whatever other activity and ask if they’d like to join you. Invite them to something you’re already doing, even if you’d only do it to invite them. It puts less pressure on both you and that person.
- If they say yes, you’ve pretty much made a friend. All you need to do is keep the inertia up by scheduling a recurring event. Best case scenario, they invite you to a bar group and now you can make more friends by proxy.
- If they say no, go to the event anyway and try to talk to someone. If it wasn’t an outright refusal then you can try again. If they don’t take the second invitation, pull back and focus on someone else. Put the ball in their court and see what happens.
- Repeat until you have friends.
A lot of the advice other posters give is great for meeting people. But it implies that you’re already able to turn a meeting into a friend. You’ll probably suck at it for the first 3 months as you flex your conversation muscles, don’t worry about it. It’s a long-term process and it will get easier. Oh and of course modify the advice to suit your situation.
Do you have hobbies and interests? If so, hop on Google and search for MeetUps in your areas. When you find one, go to it and do that activity with other people. This is a practically fail proof plan because it sets you up to do something that you like doing with other people that also like that thing… which gives you a built in conversation topic.
While you’re there, talk to everyone for a few minutes. Next time there’s a meet up, go back. Don’t put pressure on any one person but, after you’ve been a few times, you’ll recognize and enjoy the company of other regulars and, voila, friends.
Yep. Meetups are the best. You def have to go regularly though… Don’t expect magic from day 1.
There is another thing I want to mention is like how do people find dates? I don’t wanna sound like I’m whining or anything but dating apps never worked for me so I was wondering like how do you meet your potential dates in-person like at bars? Sorry if it sounds dumb but I’ve had a hard time with that so I thought why don’t I would just genuinely ask about it?
how do people find dates
Two main ways. My brother is very likable. To the point that it’s almost silly. Dude is 6 ft 3, maybe 300 lbs. He looks like an offensive lineman. He’s probably the strongest, roundest, happiest guy I know. When he was single he never had a problem getting quality dates. Even at his size. But it wasn’t just the charisma. Dude would shoot his shot and, if that didn’t work, he’d shoot his shoot again with the next lady. If you can talk a good game, don’t care if you miss and, ideally, be attractive, then you can slay it at the bars.
I am not as likable as my brother. But I’m funny. I’m decent looking. I treat ladies right. I have hobbies and interests. When I was single, my dates always came from my activity groups. Does it turn out Jenny from run club really likes music? Invite her to a show. And, here’s the key. Only invite people to things you’re going to do anyway. The line is “I’m going to the show this weekend, wanna come with me?” No matter what Jenny says, go to the show. Talk to the people that are there. Have a great time. If you have a great time with Jenny, terrific! If you don’t, or if Jenny doesn’t come, invite someone else next time. Common interests and quality time can take you a long way. Even if it’s a longer game than my brothers.
- Stop declining when people invite you to stuff.
- Stop being picky about activities/food/music/etc.
- Be vigilant/safe, yet open minded, open to new experiences, spontaneous.
- Plan trips and events, both budget friendly and splurgy, then actually commit to doing them.
- Smile and laugh n shit.
- Compliment people, thank people, be considerate to others even if it’s not always reciprocated.
- When it is reciprocated, gravitate more towards that person, and gravitate slowly away from people who don’t seem to appreciate you.
You have encapsulated everything difficult about being an autistic adult
My partner and I recently moved to an entirely new city. It’s in a region I’ve lived in before, but a different city.
We found a meet up group called “ 20 something’s meetup” and went to a few events. We found some people we really enjoyed and invited them to a few other events, and still regularly attend the group as a whole. The internet has done a lot of work for us.
I think we make too much of a deal about making friends as adults. Kids are so much easier in this: “Want to be my friend?”, “Sure!”
I’m guilty about this as well, too shy and awkward to just make friends. But I believe most people would be happy to have a new friend if the other made the first move. We’re all just so socially awkward about these things.Anyway, if anyone wants a friend, I’ll be your friend :)
I realize this doesn’t really answer the question. Best way is to be open and eager to make friends, I suppose?
Some of us were bad at it as kids too.
Of course not every child is the same, and I don’t mean to say it applied to every single one of us.
I specifically meant around the age of preschool, kids don’t think of the consequences and are just happy to do stuff together.
My own childhood from primary school onwards wasn’t blessed with a lot of friendships, so I understand what you’re saying here.
It’s easy as kids because you know you’re both regularly going to be physically present in the same place at the same time, so you’ll actually have a chance to do friend things. You don’t get that as an adult. You need to figure out if you can actually stay in touch with this person (e.g. maybe you have a shared hobby that allows you to regularly meet). You also have a better idea of what kind of people you get along with as you get older. With less time to spare, you definitely want to have these boxes checked before you invest more time into a relationship.
Volunteer. All the best people do.
Search for a community of people with similar interests where you live. E.g. something you like doing for a hobby.
I saw a shirt sometime saying something like “At a certain age, you have to give birth to new friends.” While it wasn’t exactly like that, we made a lot of friends through our kids and their schoolmates or sports activities.
There’s tons of good comments here. Mine will echo some! I just wanted to share my experience.
I have three hobbies that I’ve explored since moving to a new city in my 30s - axe throwing, pinball, and making music.
I found a local axe league and joined for a season. One season has become four :) The people I throw axes with are wonderful and varied. While we may not have crossed paths otherwise, they’re fine folks and I consider many my friends.
I went to a local pinball bar for a casual tournament and have been going every other week since. It a supportive community and I’ve had a great time learning about the games and learning about the folks on my various teams.
I answered a Craigslist ad for a band looking for another member. We’ve clicked quite well and have practices together, go out together, record together, and even play shows!
Exploring your own hobbies in some sort of structured way might be a good step in your own quest :) Good luck!
Exposure pretty much. Meaning get out there, join some groups, talk with people at work or anywhere you spend a good amount of time at, and see who you connect with. Be curious but not invasive.
Join your local Marxist organization.
Only works if OP is a Marxist themselves, but I do think you’re right that joining some kind of group of like-minded people is pretty much the best solution.
Hobby clubs, fitness groups, volunteering, specific interest events. Personally, I plan to attend more local events. There are some upcoming local events that pique my interests.
How does one discover/find hobby clubs, fitness groups, and volunteering opportunities? I know of meetup.com, but are there other ways? Also, what exactly are special interests events, and how does one become aware of these events?
I mean it depends on where you live. But sports clubs are easy enough to find if you just search for your sport and area.
Same I would guess with other hobbies.
Fitness groups no idea to be honest.
Volunteering: there are usually quite a few forums and such discussing volunteering opportunities. In my country the biggest ones are the volunteer fire department, volunteer first aid (red cross, Johanniter, ASB, Malteser, etc.), technical relief (THW), and different organisations regarding the homeless and poor (biggest ones probably are the Bahnhofsmission and Tafeln) - this is all Germany specific but I’m sure there are somewhat similar things in other countries, too. For smaller things the are often even websites from the local government where you can search for volunteering opportunities interesting you, by topic.
To be honest, I’ve gone back to Facebook to discover local events. I never knew that the local comic shop had events like boardgames and book signings. I also discovered that the South Florida fairgrounds has its own comic con of sorts and my county has an annual event named “PalmCon”.
You have to be ok with believing that you’re not annoying others when talking about yourself and asking about them. And you have to do it in a not-creepy way. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
The creeper paradox: the harder you try not to be, the more you appear to be.
Redefine creepy as ‘surpressing emotions’. When you surpress the awareness of surpressing emotions, then you surpress even more, so you appear to be more creepy.
It is simply impossible.
Usually at work
