Such a long title.
Basically I’m wondering if this happens IRL, and how. I’ve heard countless stories of people who hold a grudge against family members /ex partners/ ex friends/ neighbours etc. for years, and they do horrible things to each other. Or maybe just the cold shoulder can be rough especially for such a long time. But not so many stories of people in these situations who suddenly talk things out unexpectedly, out of their own will and not because they kept getting nagged about whatever happened.
I’ve also heard about people who screw up big once, never acknowledge or apologize, then everyone puts the episode behind and moves on. But I’ve never heard about suddenly this person perhaps decades afterwards just actually addressing their screw up and apologizing.
So, have you ever received one of these big, unexpected apologies? Or have you ever apologized for something you did you never thought you would want or dare to apologize for?
I was a bully to the whiny and sensitive kid in my friends group. Everyone kind of poked fun at him so me being a kid, I did the same.
I genuinely apologized to him 10 years later as it was gnawing at me all those years and he didn’t accept it. He told me how the teasing messed up his self esteem and contributed to mental health problems he still deals with.
I felt so unbelievably awful for having that effect on him for all that time that I didn’t know what to say. I figured if I hurt him that much the best thing I can do for him is disappear completely. I haven’t been very social since out of fear of hurting someone like that again. Keeps me up sometimes and I find myself thinking about it when I daydream.
Sorry to hear that’s how it went. Good on you for actually apologizing, I hope he can eventually forgive although it seems that’s going to require a lot of introspection on his side too which isn’t easy. Bear in mind that in spite of what you did, you are not 100% responsible for how things developed on his side. There are so many factors affecting mental health and self esteem. If you’ve truly changed then you will know better than repeating the same mistakes in the future with someone else, so don’t let that hold you back.
I actually want to apologize to someone, for not being honest when we were 17-19 (we’re both now 27-28).
I always lied whenever she asked me to just hang out. Said I could not or had something else.
Truth is, I never dared because of my dad. I didn’t want him to know that, I was hanging out with a girl. A lot happened in my youth and didn’t want to have another violence experience at home.
That and the fact I just feel awkward around people or on 1 on 1 meetings.
But I feel like it’s been way to long for that apology.
Something I worry about, but haven’t seen anyone mention yet, is that a long-after-the-fact apology seems a little self-serving. I’m the one who feels bad, so I’m going to bring something up again hoping that I feel better about the situation afterwards.
There are people I didn’t treat very well when I was young. When I think about reaching out to apologize I imagine the interaction ending with me feeling better and them feeling shitty again.
Reading this thread, however, it doesn’t look like that’s how this usually goes. So, maybe I should rethink it.
I think I would hate if anyone apologised to me for how they treated me in school, of course I’d have to pretend that it’s ok and accept their apology, act like we’re friends now or something and wish them the best…
Then I’d go and be depressed about it, feel humiliated and annoyed. Probably anxious and uncomfortable too because they’ll be telling people ‘hey remember that kid we used to bully, I saw him and apologised’ maybe they’ll even make a social media post to highlight how great that are now and it’s all ok because they waved their magic word wand and fixed all the compounded psychological issues they caused…
I don’t think you should feel bad for keeping it to yourself, it’s not going to fix anything so what would be the point?
